Reputation.

So, a song came on today called "You'll Ask For Me" By Tyler Hilton (Video will be posted at the end of this post! haha) and while I've heard it before, when it came on today it made me think. I feel like lately people have been judging me based on what other people have said. Aka "my reputation." I never thought I'd have a bad reputation considering... I don't do anything haha. But apparently I do! Oh yay.

People talk. People lie. People have biased opinions of me. People judge me based on my friends. People think since I hang out with so and so that I must be the same. Why is that people think that we only learn the bad from friends, and not the good? I know personally my best friend makes me want to be a better person, my bad habits don't run off on her. I think that's what a good friendship is, or really any relationship. You make the other person want to be a better person. So maybe, just maybe this friendship with someone makes them a better person. Doesn't mean that I gossip about people or talk down to people or treat people like crap.

Now, anyone that truly knows me, knows that I am not a happy go lucky kind of girl. I'm not chipper or really friendly. I tend to keep to myself until you get to know me. It was one of the hardest things I have to learn as being Relief Society President. But you will never ever ever hear me say something bad about someone that I would not tell them to their face. I stand behind what I say and am not ashamed of that.

Is it always taken well? No, but sometimes the truth hurts and I will NEVER ever say something to purposely hurt someone. Ever. That's not my style. Never has been, never will be. I'm honest, but I also know when to keep my mouth shut. So while people I hang out with or am friends with may not be that way, don't lump me into that.

There's more then means the eye. I just feel like you should get to know me personally before you judge. Then if you don't like me, oh well. It happens. We don't have to be best friends with everyone. But I never thought I'd see someone not give me a chance because of what someone else said. Someone else that does not even know me and their opinion of me is based on what one person has said. Which, in their OPINION may be true (due to the past I've had with said person.) but that doesn't mean it's true. When you haven't even had a friendship with me in a long time. A lot has changed. I've changed and grown. It's what's supposed to happen after like 3 years.

But really. The point of this post is don't judge me before you know me. Don't go by what other people have said because most often it's not true. I know for a fact you would not want me judging you based off what someone who doesn't even LIKE you(or know you) has to say about you.

I'm not perfect. I know I can be intimidating (been told that many times in my life.) I can be mean. I gossip sometimes. I open my mouth when I shouldn't. I've made mistakes. I've held grudges. I've judged people based on what other people have said. We all have. We are not perfect. We strive to be, but we aren't. But give people a chance. Don't ignore someone when they are reaching out to you.

Realize that we don't have to be friends. But we do NOT have to judge one another and be rude and badmouth each other. That is not right or acceptable. And while I'm guilty of doing it also, I'm working on it. And you will see me stand around silently while other people bash people. I've had people bash my friends and my response is always "well, I disagree, I like them" or whatever the case may be. If I can't say it to your face, it won't come out of my mouth.

So please, judge someone for who they are TODAY. Not who they were in the past. Or who other people think they are. Give everyone a chance and open yourself up. If it turns out what other people say is true, then at least you know for yourself. But don't let someones reputation, unfounded or not, ruin what could be the best thing in your life.

And... now music! haha

Change...

I feel like I haven't posted here in forever.. and it's true. So what better time to write something then now?

Change. Change sucks. Change is amazing. Change is necessary. Change is what makes the world go around. Then why is it so hard sometimes?

Anyway, why is change on my mind? Because I'm changing! What?! Nicky? NEVER! Oh I am... Well, at least what ward I'm going too. And no, sadly it's not because I'm getting married (still as single as ever.. willing to be set up. winkwink).

For the last couple of months I've been feeling like I need a change. Something needs to happen.. I thought about dying my hair, since y'know I loved when I chopped it off. But I was like enh, that won't do anything. I thought about going back to my family ward, but I was like why? What's there for me? I'm single, so I should be in the singles ward, right? Wrong. Sometimes it's not the best place.

I had callings, I have friends, I enjoy the activities, but something was off. I just felt like I didn't belong. No matter how many new friends I made, or new callings or whatever, I just felt like something was off. Missing. There was something more for me out there somewhere.

So I decided to make the jump. I put my faith in Heavenly Father that I was doing the right thing. I met with both Bishops and we decided to just give it a chance. Just go to my family ward for a couple of weeks and see if a break was all I needed. And after being away for about 3 weeks, I decided I needed to jump fully into the family ward. Transfer my records and just go at it.

Why? Who knows. I sure as heck don't! I don't know what my purpose is here. I don't know why, but I do know I feel much better already. I feel like there is a weight lifted off me and it's amazing. I've cut the drama out and it's great. Sometimes removing yourself from people IS the best thing to do. One you found out who your real friends are and two you find out who YOU are.

And I am. To both things. I'm realizing who my friends are. But most important who I am, and who I want to be. I like being me. I like staying at home and hanging out with my bugs. It's what makes me happy. People think I need to go out and do things.. but in all honesty, I like being at home. I'm thankful for that too. I'm thankful that I have a home to come back to and to be greeted by my niece and nephews. There's nothing better then them running up to you and saying they missed you.

I know there's more out there for me. I know I'll find it, but for right now being with my family is the most important thing. Maybe I should focus more on finding someone, but really, why? I need to make myself the best I can before I find what I NEED. I know I'll be directed to where I need to go. And right now that's back to a family ward. Which is an adjustment, don't get me wrong. But when you know you're doing what you're supposed to be, it's easier. You have an understanding that you're where you need to be and that's all that matters.

So while I'm on a new path and got the change I wanted... I know I'll be okay. I know I'll be taken care of. As long as I follow the Spirit everything will work out.

Discouraged.

So, I haven't posted anything here in over 4 months. Probably because my mom now has a Facebook so she can look at all the pictures there. But I was sitting here writing my friend on her mission and just got to thinking about my life.

It's amazing how you sit down to write and all you want to do is complain. Well I had a fight with so and so, or I'm not talking to this person, work is boring blah blah blah. But then you realize you shouldn't do that because this person is on their mission. You're supposed to be encouraging them, not complaining. So it made me take a different approach to my letter, and I'm thankful for that(hopefully she is too!)

But really, during times of struggle, that's when I realize I am so blessed. I really am blessed to have the gospel in my life. I don't know where I'd be without it, and frankly never want to know. It's changed my life completely and I am the person I am today because of it. I'm really thankful for my family. As much as I would love to be living on my own, I love coming from to Spencer and Morgan. I was made to be an aunt. They make everything better. While they can get annoying at times, when you come home to huge hugs from them saying they missed you, nothing else matters.

I'm thankful that no matter what, I know I'm taken care of. If something happens to me, I know I still have a place to live and food to eat. Things may be tight, but I never doubt that I will always be taken care of and find a way. That to me alone is such a testimony builder. I don't doubt that I will always be okay. And when you've gone through as many jobs as I have, that is a GREAT testimony to have. (I still have my job, fyi. Going on 7 months. Almost a record for me haha) I'm thankful for my calling(s). At first I did not really want to be Stake Activity Rep. It's a boring calling. You do something like twice a year, what's the fun in that? But then we decided to do The Fest(a weekend conference sort of thing) and I learned SO much from it. I was over Marketing and Registration and pretty much did it alone. Well, the marketing was all on me(by choice, of course). The registration is where people really pitched in. My co-chair did all the dirty work of calling people(which we know I hate) so I am so grateful for that. It was stressful and crazy and times(and I got sent home to take a nap because I was running off 2 hours of sleep haha) But all and all for our first year I think it went off pretty well. The people that came had a great time.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to meet new people and reconnect with old friends. Sometimes I feel like my life is going no where and that I'm set in my ways. Hang out with the same people, do the same thing. It gets old pretty quickly. I feel like I'm not moving forward in life and that's when I start to get cranky and depressed, almost. I'm not one of those people that needs to be surrounded by people at all times. I'm comfortable by myself. It's always been one of my favorite things about myself. I don't need anyone to make me happy, I can do it on my own. But there comes a time when you realize while I don't need anyone, having someone would be nice. I've come to that point. I'm 27 and single. I have a great job, family, and friends. What else is there really for me to do at this point besides get married? I could go back to school, but I don't feel I should. I was a temple worker for a couple of months, that didn't really work out. (I've taken a break from it, not sure if I'll go back to being a temple worker or not. But I still go once a week.)

I was pulled aside on Saturday by one of the Bishopric's members wife and she flat out asked me a question(which I won't share.) and it threw me off guard and made me think. Was I getting discouraged? I didn't think so. I guess I hadn't really thought about it. I'm fine being single. I'm happy with the life I have, I didn't think that was me getting discouraged. But then something happened and it made me start to think. I look around and see everyone going on dates, and meeting new people and getting engaged and married. And I'm not. Any of those things. But was I discouraged? It just wasn't happening for me. That doesn't mean I was unhappy for them, at all. I couldn't be happier for my friends that have found their eternal companion. It truly makes me happy to see them so happy and to be able to share in their happiness. I think the "discouraged" part comes from being the girl that doesn't get the dates. I get the guy friends, but not the dates. When you hang out with girls that are younger and thinner and prettier then you, all you focus on is the fact they are getting the dates. (and no, I'm not putting myself down there, just using it as a point.) But really, are they happy? They are getting dates, but at the end of the day, they are still single. I'm used to being "the friend" or as some people call it the "third wheel" haha and most the time I'm okay with it, and don't even think about it. Because once again, if they are happy then I am more then happy for them. But you do wonder "when is it going to be my turn."

When am I going to find that? Or really, what do I have to CHANGE in order to find that? I've been told I have a strong personality. And that I need to "tone" it down some. But some things are just me, and I'm happy with that. I'm happy that I'm a strong independent female. I'm pleased with the fact that I know who I am and I'm not changing my standards for anyone. But somethings you do have to compromise, I understand that. But other things I will not settle for. I know what I deserve as a Daughter of God and I will not settle or change that for anything. And I will always have the attitude if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. It's all a balancing game. Not coming on too strong, but not closing the door completely. I don't know anyone that has mastered that game, yet. And I don't think anyone ever will because it's different for each person. I need to figure out what's best for me. I need to learn how to balance things, but stay true to myself. I know I will find that person that isn't intimidated by me. I know I will find that guy who isn't scared and won't run. I have faith that I will because Heavenly Father has promised me that as long as I stay true and faithful to him.

Also on Saturday, I got a message from my brother in law Emmanuel, and I actually printed it out and put in my wallet. It was one of those moments where it was like, "huh, did not think I was getting discouraged, but two people have pretty much told me otherwise so maybe there is something to think about here.

"Keep your head up. Keep working on becoming your best self. You'll be blessed. You're remembered... Just a little more time and you'll be kneeling across the alter of the man of your dreams."

 I know that as long as I continue to be true and faithful, I will have everything Heavenly Father has promised me. I may not be lucky enough to find it here on this earth, but I know I will have it. So my goal is to try not to be so hard on myself and doubt things. Shrug my shoulders and say "it wasn't meant to be. Something better will come along." Til then I will focus on making myself a better person.

Thankful

Today I am feeling so much gratitude and love towards my Heavenly Father. I don't usually talk religion or anything (because frankly, I believe what I believe and don't care to "debate" with anyone about it.) but today I am so thankful for the Spirit in my life. Sometimes the Spirit comes at the most inconvenient times. Like driving on my way to work. Or sitting at a top light. And that happened to be recently and it just wouldn't go away. After much thought and fight in my head I decided to give in. Not give in the way that the Spirit told me (yes, I'm stubborn) but in my own way. I did it where there could be no response or debate. It was what it was and I would move on once I got it off my chest.

And boy did it feel good! It wasn't easy, but if there's one thing I've learned in my life it's that following the Spirit is almost NEVER easy. That's how Heavenly Father tests us. Sometimes you do have to blindly follow the Spirit even when you have no idea what you are. In this case I had no idea why I was so strongly prompted to say something. But it did make me realize something. That even when things don't go according to plan, that doesn't mean that your day still can't be beautiful and amazing.

I have so many things to be thankful for. The Gospel. My family. My friends. My job. Just my life in general. I may not have everything I want, but I am more then taken care of. I have a roof over my head. I get to come home every day to my beautiful niece and nephew. There is always dinner made (even though I don't usually eat it, my sister does make dinner!). I have a great car. I have family that I know I can count on for anything. I know if there's ever anything I need, I won't be left alone.

I'm so thankful for my job. Most days I don't feel I deserve it and wonder how I got so lucky but I know without a doubt it's because of my faithfulness to follow the Spirit without question. I have quit jobs in the past where people thought I was crazy, but I did what the Spirit told me and I was always taken care of. I never doubted that I would always be taken care of in that department.

I hate that I doubt the fact of marriage. Is it in my cards? Will it happen? Have I met him? Will I meet him? I have no clue. I know without a doubt that is the next stage in my life. What else is there really for me to do? Go back to school? No thanks. I know the next step for me in life is to get married and have a family. (yep, I said family. This girl is growing up, who knew!) But when will it happen?

If it's not in the cards for me, I know I'll be okay. I LOVE being an aunt. I don't know what I ever did before I had nieces and nephews, but I wouldn't trade that for the world. I got to spend a little time with Emma last week for her birthday. I took her to Build-A-Bear and it made me so thankful that I can do that. That I'm able to just spend time with my nieces and nephews.

I know as long as I continue to follow the Spirit I will be taken care of. I can already see blessings from it. Like I said, my job. I'm so thankful for Heavenly Father's trust in me. At times I don't like it. I would much rather him just give me a yes or no answer, not a it's up to you, but if he can trust me, who lacks so much, why can't I trust him, who is perfect?

The brain is a funny thing and it baffles me. We think we know better. We think we can do it on our own. We think. That's the problem, I think. Haha. I know I have a lot of learning to do. So while I'm single, I'm going to do just that. I've always been independent, but now I want to make myself a better person. A person that people can count on, a positive person. I've had to cut people out of my life because of them being so negative and it wasn't until recently that it made me grateful for the positive people in my life.

I got a letter from Dianna the other day and in it she said "I never wonder what my life would be like because I know without a doubt I am where I need to me." I wish I could say the same. I know I'm where I need to be, but I often wonder where I would be if I had made different choices, or if others had made different choices. Would I be married? Have kids? Travel? What? I don't know and I never will. And that's okay. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is. We just have to put our faith in Heavenly Father.

He won't always reveal to us his plan or purpose. I may never know why I got the prompting I did, but I know I will be blessed for following it. And I know it's not the end of the world. I know that there was worse things out there then talking about my feelings. (What? Once again, this girl is growing up! WHO KNEW!) Does that mean I'm just going to share my feelings all the time and become a stinking girl? Nope. My trust issues may never go away, but I'm not scared of feelings. I'm not scared of having feelings. I'm not scared to admit that I'm not scared. Or that I am scared or lonely or hurt or confused or most importantly - happy. I'm not scared to say I'm happy.

I say bring it, world. Give me all you got. I'm ready to face it with a smile on my face.

That being said - Heres a picture of me and my bug! haha I love her face for some reason!

New haircut

I decided that after the year I have had so far (many ups and downs) that I needed a change. And what better way to change then to chop your hair off? It seems to be what girls do. When you can't control your life and the things happening around you, you do something to your hair. I apparently was no different.

But I really wanted a change. I was tired of people telling me I shouldn't cut my hair, or what my hair was too awesome to cut. I wanted to do it, so I was going to do it. With much encouragement from Kylee (she was more excited then I was, and was cheering me on the whole way haha) I chopped 10 inches off to donate to Locks of Loves (which was my plan the whole time when I started to grow it out). I'd say another two inches or so came off in the end.

I feel like a different person, almost. More confident that I don't have to hide behind my hair anymore. It was almost like a security blanket and I love that it's gone! So far no one has had a bad thing to say about it (at least to my face haha) even the guys that were like don't do it! You're stupid if you do! They even love it.

I took a big risk and I am getting big rewards for it. I know, I know, it's just hair, but still. I feel like I've lost some of my past and I love it. It takes me about half the time to get ready, and I'll save so much in shampoo costs! It's awesome!

But anyway, here is a picture!



I love it and I think I actually look more my age now! haha

Morgan winking

I decided to change my blog around, but didn't have anything to update about... So.. here is a cute video of Morgan "winking" at you. She's a cutie, and takes after me!

A long year.

its been a year since I went through the temple. It seems like just yesterday too but yet it seems like forever ago. This year hasn't been the easiest. Friends have come and gone. Some for amazing reasons, others because of choices. Jobs have also come and gone. I'm in the same boat I was a year ago and I'm okay with that. Everything happens for a reason and I know that.

things have not gotten easier since going through the temple, but it does make things easier to handle. I went and just sat in the temple yesterday and I thought I went there looking for answers when really I was there full of gratitude. I'm so thankfully and lucky to be worthy to go to the temple. To know that my actions are right with the Lord is the greatest blessing ever. To knows that each time I go I'm helping not only myself but people that have passed. Dianna said before she left on her mission "I'm leaving my family for 18 months so other families can be together forever" and the same goes for temple work. We help those people be with their family forever.

I'm not where I thought I'd be a year ago, but I know I'm exactly where I need to be. I may not know why but with time Heavenly Father will reveal the next step for me and until the I will just be grateful for the life I have because I truly am one lucky girl.