Discouraged.

So, I haven't posted anything here in over 4 months. Probably because my mom now has a Facebook so she can look at all the pictures there. But I was sitting here writing my friend on her mission and just got to thinking about my life.

It's amazing how you sit down to write and all you want to do is complain. Well I had a fight with so and so, or I'm not talking to this person, work is boring blah blah blah. But then you realize you shouldn't do that because this person is on their mission. You're supposed to be encouraging them, not complaining. So it made me take a different approach to my letter, and I'm thankful for that(hopefully she is too!)

But really, during times of struggle, that's when I realize I am so blessed. I really am blessed to have the gospel in my life. I don't know where I'd be without it, and frankly never want to know. It's changed my life completely and I am the person I am today because of it. I'm really thankful for my family. As much as I would love to be living on my own, I love coming from to Spencer and Morgan. I was made to be an aunt. They make everything better. While they can get annoying at times, when you come home to huge hugs from them saying they missed you, nothing else matters.

I'm thankful that no matter what, I know I'm taken care of. If something happens to me, I know I still have a place to live and food to eat. Things may be tight, but I never doubt that I will always be taken care of and find a way. That to me alone is such a testimony builder. I don't doubt that I will always be okay. And when you've gone through as many jobs as I have, that is a GREAT testimony to have. (I still have my job, fyi. Going on 7 months. Almost a record for me haha) I'm thankful for my calling(s). At first I did not really want to be Stake Activity Rep. It's a boring calling. You do something like twice a year, what's the fun in that? But then we decided to do The Fest(a weekend conference sort of thing) and I learned SO much from it. I was over Marketing and Registration and pretty much did it alone. Well, the marketing was all on me(by choice, of course). The registration is where people really pitched in. My co-chair did all the dirty work of calling people(which we know I hate) so I am so grateful for that. It was stressful and crazy and times(and I got sent home to take a nap because I was running off 2 hours of sleep haha) But all and all for our first year I think it went off pretty well. The people that came had a great time.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to meet new people and reconnect with old friends. Sometimes I feel like my life is going no where and that I'm set in my ways. Hang out with the same people, do the same thing. It gets old pretty quickly. I feel like I'm not moving forward in life and that's when I start to get cranky and depressed, almost. I'm not one of those people that needs to be surrounded by people at all times. I'm comfortable by myself. It's always been one of my favorite things about myself. I don't need anyone to make me happy, I can do it on my own. But there comes a time when you realize while I don't need anyone, having someone would be nice. I've come to that point. I'm 27 and single. I have a great job, family, and friends. What else is there really for me to do at this point besides get married? I could go back to school, but I don't feel I should. I was a temple worker for a couple of months, that didn't really work out. (I've taken a break from it, not sure if I'll go back to being a temple worker or not. But I still go once a week.)

I was pulled aside on Saturday by one of the Bishopric's members wife and she flat out asked me a question(which I won't share.) and it threw me off guard and made me think. Was I getting discouraged? I didn't think so. I guess I hadn't really thought about it. I'm fine being single. I'm happy with the life I have, I didn't think that was me getting discouraged. But then something happened and it made me start to think. I look around and see everyone going on dates, and meeting new people and getting engaged and married. And I'm not. Any of those things. But was I discouraged? It just wasn't happening for me. That doesn't mean I was unhappy for them, at all. I couldn't be happier for my friends that have found their eternal companion. It truly makes me happy to see them so happy and to be able to share in their happiness. I think the "discouraged" part comes from being the girl that doesn't get the dates. I get the guy friends, but not the dates. When you hang out with girls that are younger and thinner and prettier then you, all you focus on is the fact they are getting the dates. (and no, I'm not putting myself down there, just using it as a point.) But really, are they happy? They are getting dates, but at the end of the day, they are still single. I'm used to being "the friend" or as some people call it the "third wheel" haha and most the time I'm okay with it, and don't even think about it. Because once again, if they are happy then I am more then happy for them. But you do wonder "when is it going to be my turn."

When am I going to find that? Or really, what do I have to CHANGE in order to find that? I've been told I have a strong personality. And that I need to "tone" it down some. But some things are just me, and I'm happy with that. I'm happy that I'm a strong independent female. I'm pleased with the fact that I know who I am and I'm not changing my standards for anyone. But somethings you do have to compromise, I understand that. But other things I will not settle for. I know what I deserve as a Daughter of God and I will not settle or change that for anything. And I will always have the attitude if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. It's all a balancing game. Not coming on too strong, but not closing the door completely. I don't know anyone that has mastered that game, yet. And I don't think anyone ever will because it's different for each person. I need to figure out what's best for me. I need to learn how to balance things, but stay true to myself. I know I will find that person that isn't intimidated by me. I know I will find that guy who isn't scared and won't run. I have faith that I will because Heavenly Father has promised me that as long as I stay true and faithful to him.

Also on Saturday, I got a message from my brother in law Emmanuel, and I actually printed it out and put in my wallet. It was one of those moments where it was like, "huh, did not think I was getting discouraged, but two people have pretty much told me otherwise so maybe there is something to think about here.

"Keep your head up. Keep working on becoming your best self. You'll be blessed. You're remembered... Just a little more time and you'll be kneeling across the alter of the man of your dreams."

 I know that as long as I continue to be true and faithful, I will have everything Heavenly Father has promised me. I may not be lucky enough to find it here on this earth, but I know I will have it. So my goal is to try not to be so hard on myself and doubt things. Shrug my shoulders and say "it wasn't meant to be. Something better will come along." Til then I will focus on making myself a better person.